Wednesday, September 19, 2007

I'm out of toilet paper

I have no excuse. No inconsiderate roommate to blame. My life falls apart in small ways. It causes me to question my ability to function on a very basic level. I buy a mondo pack of Toilet Paper god-knows-when ago and the assumption is this plethora of soft paper on cardboard rolls will last forever, like oil, or forests, or polar bears.

Of course a mondo pack of TP won't last forever. Have I learned nothing from the Giving Tree???

I have not. I have not learned anything. Bid farewell to the cornerstone of basic hygiene. God, it would really hurt to wipe with an actual cornerstone. Ouch! Forget that. I have Kleenex. That'll do for now.

I have learned some things in life: Don't microwave Chinese food boxes with metal handles. If I'm petting a cat and it flattens its ears back that means it wants me to die. Just because my neck is sore doesn't mean I have meningitis, I probably slept wrong. What's scary is that I know I have learned things, but how easily that stuff is forgotten as my brain rusts out like a junked car. Hell, I'm not even old, I still have dementia to look forward to. Last Friday I had to take a basic test of Clerical skills for an upcoming work assignment, and there was a section of long division, and it made me want to shoot myself in the face. I regressed to a 5th grade level of math anxiety. I wasn't afraid to fail this math test, but I mourned the loss of the part of my brain that could ace long division. This is why I'm never going back to school. I'm not really one for practical solutions.

Don't come over to my apartment if you have to hit the jacks (I'm also running low on Kleenex). I will be buying TP tomorrow. I'll go to CostCo and buy a 5,000 pack of toilet paper and end my TP-induced self-loathing. I will also have enough TP to build a TP roll fort in my living room. That'll be rad.