Tuesday, November 20, 2007

guess who's back. Back again. Nomar's back. Tell a friend.

My sister is out of town for the Thanksgiving weekend, going to Kansas somewhere with her boyfriend, so her cat Nomar Rasputin Kittycat Mofo Garciaparra is on holiday at my apartment:

The red things on his paws are Soft Paws, the "humane alternative to declawing." I call them Nomar's "tap shoes." Just in time for the holidays you can get the Red & Green holiday color combo for the low low price of $18.95. Here is the advertising:

Dashing through the hall, Kitty will look festive and bright adorned in holiday-themed Soft Paws. The alternating colors of the red and green combo pack add cheer to a room as Kitty helps wrap presents and inspect boxes. This option is sure to delight Mr. or Ms. Claus Claws.
Note: Nomar Kitty has never ever ever helped wrap presents. Are these benevolent claws a miracle?

Nomar is a character. And he is incredibly clumsy. He has problems gauging distances for jumps and balancing on narrow ledges. The theory is that he has bad eyesight. What do you do about that? Eyeglasses? Lasik 4 Kittehs?

The last time Nomar stayed at my apartment (sans tap shoes), he clawed the holy crap out of my reading chair. It's the one piece of furniture I own that isn't second-hand. Strike that. I also own a first-hand IKEA leaning bookcase that I assembled myself. The reading chair is my only legitimate and solid piece of first-hand furniture. No big deal about the clawed chair, though. I'm cool. Just cut some loose threads away it looks good as new. When Amanda dropped Nomar off last night, she brought some double-sided tape to cover the scratchable parts of the chair that he might get at, even with the tap shoes. Wrap the chair in tape! Great idea. Good. Problem solved.

Except in the morning, Nomar had yanked every inch of tape off the chair and wadded it into a big ball of "Fuck You."

He can't do much damage to my chair with the tap shoes -- even though two tap shoes are missing because he gnawed them off -- he can't do too much damage with only two exposed claws. Right? (...right?). He's persistent. My mom brought over the power drill a few weeks ago to Nomar-proof my bathroom with a couple of locks. One for the inside of the bathroom so he doesn't Kamakaze into the tub while I'm showering, and one for the outside just to keep the door shut at other times. The situation with the door: I live in an old apartment, and I have a cockamamie bathroom door that doesn't close shut because it doesn't fit in the door frame. Seriously. And I want to keep Nomar out of the bathroom because it's dirty behind my old clawfoot tub -- where he likes to go, of course -- and I end up with dirty kitty prints all over my apartment. (Don't tell me to clean behind my tub. You clean behind it. I can't reach back there). Here's Nomar attempting to break into my bathroom for the 100th time today:


Over the workday g-chat, Amanda says: "I think my cat is just a dick."

And then she dispatched my mom over to my apartment with a giant sheet of yellow plastic to wrap my chair. This is what I came home to.

I recently gave Mom keys to my apartment in case of an emergency or, as my dad joked, they "needed to get the body." Well I thought it was hilarious. Mom, not so much digging the gallows humor there. Sparing my favorite chair from a vigorous feline clawing = emergency.

Fingers crossed this thwarts him. He can't do too much damage in a week. Right? (...right?)