Sunday, March 30, 2008

you're not my father!

Full House fans will enjoy:

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I spy

I'm in Louisville, KY again for the rock n roll weekend of the Humana Fest at Actors Theatre. I was going to post a photo of the retro, button-operated electric stove in my loaner apartment, but I forgot the connecter thingie for my camera. No photos for you. My car is parked in a lot in front of an abandoned building where I was assured my car won't be A) towed, or B) stripped down for parts. A day of driving and an evening of encouraged socializing has left me knackered. I am winding down with a glass of tap water and the apartment's closed circuit security TV channel, watching people enter the building. Sometimes people don't enter the building. Sometimes it's a lot of waiting.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

disappointing my readers, one week at a time

"Sometimes I get kinda pissed when you don't post for a week....It's irrational and selfish, but it's true."
-Anthony, from the comments

The Return of Jezebel James has been canceled. What am I supposed to blog about now?

Please enjoy this instructional video on how to rig a disposable camera to give a shock, followed by a series of suckers getting shocked. If you try it out me, I am not going to share my Girl Scout Cookies with you.

Monday, March 17, 2008

luck of the (1/4) irish


I was sitting in Starbucks this weekend, hammering on my laptop and minding my beeswax when this guy comes up to me and asks: "Do you want a free haircut?"

A number of thoughts ticker-tape behind my eyeballs.

1) Where? Like in the alley behind Starbucks?

2) I look like I need a haircut?

3) I need a haircut. Good call.

The guy -- Tim -- owns Lather, a decent salon a few doors down. I know it's decent because I've been to his other salon, and also the stylists are tattooed and dyed -- the mark of a stylist I trust to wield scissors near my face. A new stylist had an hour between appointments and Tim wanted to give her some more practice on super straight hair from the skull of someone who looks poor and also wouldn't throw a fit if it wasn't the greatest haircut in the world.

OF COURSE I WANT A FREE HAIRCUT! THAT SHIT'S EXPENSIVE! I shouted in the Starbucks. As I packed up my stuff, the woman sitting at the table next to me said, "He didn't ask ME if I wanted a free haircut." Then she sobbed into her coffee.

Tim sold me on getting some layers so I could be his puppet to demonstrate his layering technique to the very nice, very goth stylist. He said "Jennifer Aniston" to describe the technique and I almost ran out of the salon. But it was fine. Nothing crazy. Dead ends cut off, a little snippity snip. I'm fine. And it wasn't FREE free -- I do tip, after all (tipping Karma), but it was still a shit-ton less expensive than paying for the haircut.

Happy St Patrick's day. May you be solicited for a free haircut while sitting in Starbucks, minding your own beeswax.

tv eats my brain, part 2

I watched the first two episodes of The Return of Jezebel James. There's a lot I liked about it, and I'll keep watching. I don't think it deserved the critical drubbing it received. It's not The Gilmore Girls. Get over it.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

hulu will end me. it will end us all. goodbye life

I'm posting a clip to post a clip. Hulu opened its doors to the public yesterday. My first hulu experience made my head explode in a brain-spray of awesome. I'm really tired right now, and that is why this SNL digital short is extra hilarious.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

tv eats my brain

Is anybody else hoping that Fox's The Return of Jezebel James doesn't suck? Parker Posey and Lauren Ambrose? The creator of The Gilmore Girls? How can it go wrong? Oh lord, it doesn't bode well that a show like that is scheduled for Friday nights.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

musical theatre folks gotta do SOMETHING between gigs

a look at "the making of the Food Court Musical" at

resist the urge to stand still on an escalator even if that is the way society has conditioned you to behave

There is an escalator to the lowest level in my office building. It leads to a magical place: lunch. The only transportation between the lobby level and the river level is by escalator. It is a horrible escalator that is wide enough for one person. I cannot pass you if you do not walk down. I am not in a hurry, no, not a victim of our urban hustle and bustle, no. I have a psychological problem: When I stand on something that resembles stairs, I want to walk down them. They are moving, but they are stairs. I would like to use them as such. But I can't pass you on this escalator. It is too narrow for passing. I am not allowed to push you down the escalator for legal reasons. I stand behind you. I stare at your bald spot. I seethe as we ride, together, on the slowest moving escalator into my personal hell. Lunch is so not worth this. It better be tater-tot day or I'm quitting.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

r.i.p. mr coffee

Dead coffee maker sitting on my kitchen counter. Promising hot coffee, brewing nothing. I plugged you in and left the kitchen to doodle in the other room. After 5 minutes, a severe lack of coffee aroma in my apartment. Negative aroma. Coffee maker, you have one task in life: make coffee. You stopped doing that. You pooped on my weekend routine. Spoonfuls of Dunkin Donuts beans ground up for what?

You've been with me since Freshman year of college. I didn't use you much for coffee then. I used you to heat up water for my ramen Cup Noodles. After that, you had a three year hiatus when I never made coffee. Then I brought you to my first Chicago apartment. Your on/off switch broke in 2004. You were ON in perpetuity, and the new ON/OFF became plugging-in (on)/pulling plug (off). Most people would have gotten a new coffee maker at this point. Not me, boy-o. I use things until they die, until they run into the ground, until they become a complete safety hazard.

I should give you a proper burial. Smash you on the sidewalk outside a Starbucks. But I'll probably throw you in the trash, sprinkle you with ground coffee. That'll be good enough. A fitting tribute. You were never a great coffee maker, but you were good enough. I suppose I understand. Like the way I feel about my temp jobs, y'know. Never doing a great job, but never striving for greatness. Clockwatching. Farting around the internets. G-chatting with Annie about how one of the American Idol contestants looks like our favorite inmate from HBO's Oz. I'd feel guilty if it interfered with the job I'm paid to do, but I get the job done and then some -- I am, apparently, pretty okay at what I do. Pretty okay enough that they keep extending the time they want to keep me around. I'm the duct tape in the office machinery. Competent enough to avoid getting canned. I didn't break the copier, but I did break the PDF file converter with a Power Point file too large to be converted whole (How was I supposed to know a 9 MB file would crash the system?). Nobody expects greatness from a temporary situation. It's shocking how a mediocre level of functionality is considered an "awesome job."

So, Mr Coffee, I sympathize. Or empathize. Two words I use interchangeably and probably incorrectly. You did okay for yourself. Even if you spent half of your life semi-broken. I'll forgive today's disappointment. You made pretty okay coffee in your life, and that's what counts. Cheers.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

to wrap up the movie quiz

The only unguessed quotation.

TERRY MALLOY: You know, I seen you a lot of times before. Remember parochial school out on Paluski Street? Seven, eight years ago. Your hair, you had your hair uh...


TERRY MALLOY: Looked like a hunk of rope. And you had wires on your teeth and glasses and everything. You was really a mess.

On the Waterfront

I feel like the On Screen Entertainment that plays before the movie starts. I've always wanted to feel that way.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

movie quote quiz

Adam tagged me. Dammit Adam! Don't you know I'm busy?

(tumbleweed rolls across the floor. crickets chirp)

Fine! I'll do it. But only 'cause I like you.

Look up 15 of your favorite films on IMDb. Take a quote from each. List them below. When someone guesses the quote correctly, cross it off the list. I trust you will not cheat (google). I am not trying to trick you. Gosh, this is difficult. I'm sure I'll think of 15 movies from which I would have rather quoted just as soon as I hit "publish post".

Dang you guys are good GREEN = well guessed [see comments]

1) Say Lou, didya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?

2) Welcome to downtown Coolsville! Population: us.

3) Yes, I did it, I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much... That... it... it... flam - flames. FLAMES, on the side of my face, heaving... breath - , heaving breaths. Heaving breath...

4) Walter, you're wonderful, in a loathsome sort of way.

5) AK-47. The very best there is. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.

6) You want a prediction about the weather, you're asking the wrong Phil. I'll give you a winter prediction: It's gonna be cold, it's gonna be grey, and it's gonna last you for the rest of your life.

7) The only true currency in this bankrupt world... is what you share with someone else when you're uncool.

8) It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage.

9) I've had, like, ten times as much sex as the rest of these girls, and I still look like this. I mean, they spend, like, an hour in the back seat of some car and all of a sudden they're in Technicolor?

-You know, I seen you a lot of times before. Remember parochial school out on Paluski Street? Seven, eight years ago. Your hair, you had your hair uh...
-Looked like a hunk of rope. And you had wires on your teeth and glasses and everything. You was really a mess.

11) As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies.

12) Drink up, young man. It'll make the whole seduction part less repugnant.

13) In a way, each of us has an El Guapo to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!

14) Where would I be if I was a screwdriver?

15) Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.

I tag Scott, Paul, Ryan, Lacy, David, Tif. Dooo it.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

I'm behind on life at the moment

Always always behind.


Dead. Lines.


Hey, what do you think is the worst thing to put inside a piñata for a child's birthday party? I think it's Chum. If I smacked a piñata, I would not want there to be chum inside. I would not want to be involved in an explosion of crepe paper and chum.

Unless I'm a shark. Then chum would be the BEST thing. Shoot. See, you have to think about these things from all angles.

A piñata full of angry hornets would be pretty bad. I'll go with that for now.