Tuesday, May 06, 2008


I used to bartend here. You RedEye readers see their ads. Super "Bowl" Sunday Specials! $4 MGD! All-you-can-bowl for 15 minutes! What a deal! I hated working there. It was soul-crushingly corporate and it wasn't a money bartending gig. A lotta shit for little return. I guess that's most jobs, but bartending still has a romantic appeal. Control of the booze = power. But I also had to stuff olives with bleu cheese. I fucking hate bleu cheese olives. How do people eat those without throwing up? If I accidentally swallow a poisonous cleaning product and need to induce vomiting, skip the syrup of ipicac and give me a bleu cheese olive. I'll be yacking on my shoes in 3 seconds. Anyway, by the time I stuffed the one-millionth olive with butt-tasting bleu cheese, I was all: "eff this s, I quit. Pah-eeeace." And thus concludeth my professional bartending career.

I enjoy making martinis (without olives) and, yesfine, drinking martinis. The chocolate chip cookie martini is mind-blowingly decadent, a little something for the alcoholic child in everybody. It ain't cheap to do it up right. You're gonna have to hit Binny's and grab a bottle of Just Desserts - Chocolate Chip Cookie Cream Liqueur. Grab a bottle of Godiva Chocolate Liqueur and also a nice vanilla vodka -- Stoli, Absolut, big spenders'll toss a Grey Goose in the basket -- get anything except Smirnoff vanilla. I don't care if it's on sale. Do you want to do this right or not?

I KNOW you chilled your martini glass, right? Sweet jesus, okay, run that thing under the tap and stick it in the freezer for 20 minutes. If you're in a rush you can poor man's chill it with ice water, but c'mon. Once you're chill, you need chocolate syrup to swirl in the martini glass. Put your syrup in a squeeze bottle with a thin tip and refridgerate it -- makes the swirl-line nice and thin and it won't run down the side like a mofo. A chocolate mofo.

Chocolate Chip Cookie Martini
2 oz. Vanilla Vodka
1 oz. Chocolate Chip Cookie Liqueur
1 oz. Godiva Liqueur

Shake-a-shake-a-shake-a in a cocktail shaker. Not too much. You ever see a bartender shake a drink for a million years? Tell em to knock that shit out cause they're watering it down. A martini is like a crying baby. You want to shake it just enough to get it to stop crying, but not so much that, uhhhh, you know what, nevermind. Pour your martini in your chilled and chocolate-swirled glass. It should look real nice. I wish I had a picture. I don't. Drink, enjoy. It's super sweet. Your teeth's gonna fall out of your head. That's part of the fun.

Epilogue: Need a place to kill that bottle of vanilla vodka? Vanilla vodka + Orange Crush = Creamsicle. You're welcome.