Monday, January 12, 2009

dibs

The best advice I can give someone who is moving to Chicago is to hold off on purchasing lawn chairs. You'll find a variety of crappy lawn furniture left in empty, yet shoveled, parking spaces, all of it free for the taking. Funny how a little snow makes people so generous. This person only has one chair to offer and hopes you need a plastic crate, for storing a stack of Rod Stewart LPs or the Beanie Baby collection that is sure to appreciate in value because you didn't cut off the tags. (you didn't cut off the tags, right?)

You have a car, you spend an hour shoveling it out of a mountain courtesy of Mr. Plow, of course you have a sense of entitlement. Somebody moved this office chair out of its parking spot:

You see which chair I'm talking about? See it there? Circled in red, with a -- duh -- arrow pointing at it? The really uncomfortable-looking office chair that deserves to be in a pile of snow, punishment for being a crappy chair. God, I wouldn't even want to take that chair. Looks like something you'd tie a blindfolded hostage to before you rolled them down a concrete stairwell.

Winter parking dibs, ye scourge and scoundrel. Good thing is: it's non-enforceable. Parking enforcement looks the other way if you do it, but sure as shit isn't coming to your rescue if someone parks in your blocked-off spot. Feel free to fling those chairs in a way that won't cause property damage. Established modes will remain established through mindless compliance and misguided empathy. Do not honor the by proxy power of a child's Big Wheel unless there is a child sitting in it.

My car is SO MUCH BIGGER THAN A BIG WHEEL!

Of course I want to be a good neighbor. Sure I do! I acknowledge that you spent an hour shoveling a public street. Well done. Now leave your car there and that space is all yours.