Thursday, February 24, 2011

To the person who found my blog by google-searching "brass knuckle hand job"

What a bad-ass fetish. I ain't judging.

I know I wasn't much help. I hope you found what you were looking for.

Bright Eyes - Shell Games

Reasons for posting:

  • I want to listen to this song. If you want to listen to it too, great. If not, your bathtub could probably use a good Mr Clean scrubbing. Do that instead.
  • My display driver crashes over and over when I watch YouTubes on; however, it is fine with embedded YouTubes. (the solution, I know, is to upgrade my display driver)
  • Are you bored with this bullet point list?
  • Let's take lemons and make Lemonheads! Here's what: open in a new tab. Look at the art/photos on that site while you...
  • Listen to Bright Eyes - Shell Games before it is yanked from the YouTubes forever.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Chicago Ghost Signs
Squinch up your eyes and see the past.

In Which We Teach You How To Be A Woman In Any Boys' Club

Worth reading the whole thing, but [snip] -->

Drive It Like You Stole It: Be the best. That is, assuming that you are the best. Be the best you can possibly be, whatever that means to you. Absolutely do not step down in order to not threaten people. Don't apologize. If you genuinely fucked up fine, you are allowed to apologize once but then stop apologizing. Think about how much you hear women apologizing for themselves for no reason, or being self-deprecating or self-abnegating out of habit. What the fuck are you apologizing for? For being too good?
Think before you say "I'm sorry." Do you want to hobble through on crutches made of apology?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

I'm in the February issue of Chicago Magazine

You can read it here. I did not know it was going to be such a stylized photo shoot when I arrived at the photographer's studio. The clothes are Chanel and they are expensive. Like the shirt is probably $200 something? Maybe more? Not mine. I do not own $200 shirts. And I could not touch the clothes. The stylist put the clothes on me and took the clothes off me. I was a child who could not dress herself. There were 3 different outfits during a 4 hour shoot. One of the other outfits was a shirt tucked into a skirt look. The stylist stuck her hands up my skirt, rummaged around, and pulled the shirt down through the waist of a tight leather skirt. No warning, no apology (If you are looking for a legal way to stick your hands up a stranger's skirt, you should become a stylist). The photographer was going for a Wednesday Addams inspired look, and he didn't want me to smile. "I'll think of dead puppies," I said. And whenever he wanted me to look more morose he would say, "I need 15% more dead puppies." Which made me laugh and ruin everything.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

arbitrary rating: carol burnett as Miss Hannigan in "Annie" (1982)

Grade: A

When you're a little girl -- five years old, maybe six years old -- you watch the movie Annie and all you want to be when you grow up is an orphan. Dancing and singing, sliding down banisters, twirling on fire escapes. All that looked way more fun than Hard Knock, and damn could those orphans backflip. Where'd they learn to do that shit? The Orphan Gymnasium? But you grow up, get older, have some hard knocks of your own. You sigh with lungs filled to capacity, indulging the vocal cords as you let your air go. Carol Burnett as Miss Hannigan becomes your spirit animal on those less-than-perfect days, those I-need-a-drink-after-work days. One day "you're never fully dressed without a smile," the next you're singing "I'd have cracked years ago if it weren't for my sense of humor" as you rip the head off a baby doll. When I used to watch Annie on taped-off-the-television VHS, I didn't appreciate Carol Burnett's drunken, demented Miss Hannigan. She's brilliant here. Check out her crazy eyes at 2:27. Part villain, part clown, the woman is a hilarious train wreck singing a song about wanting to strangle children. And children, after all, are only precious when they are yours.

Friday, January 15, 2010

"Can you make sure all my teachers are in there when you knock it down?"

Thursday, January 14, 2010

please pardon my asbestos dust

If my blog suddenly disappears, it does not mean I've had a nervous breakdown. That's what I assume about people who delete blogs and social networking profiles without warning. I'm trying to fix the comments. Still.

update: I figured it out. I hope to never talk about this again.

Fran Lebowitz: Reflections on Austen from The Morgan Library & Museum on Vimeo.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

haagen-dazs crisis

This clip illustrates how animals and people respond to moments of confusion and disorientation. It is also hilarious.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

abrasive poultry

Death Metal Rooster makes me laugh.

good news/bad news

Good news is I haven't seen a mouse dash across the kitchen floor in many months. Bad news is I found a dead mouse in the box fan in my bedroom. I wasn't planning on taking apart a box fan today or ever, but the world works in mysterious ways.

follow up questions:
Did the mouse die of natural causes?
Poisoned by my neighbors?
Why die next to a whirring motor and blade?
Did it jump into the fan while it was running and commit suicide?
Do mice commit suicide?
Did it commit suicide while I was sleeping?
Oh god.
No, I'm fine.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Comments are gone. Haloscan cut its free commenting service, and I didn't re-up for $12. I'd rather buy a burrito and a six-pack of Icehouse beer. I'm trying to figure out how to get Blogger-brand comments back. I've made a pig's shitbox out of the HTML of the blogger template. Kind of like when an electrician looks at the wiring of an old building and says "It's a miracle this building hasn't burned down." The problem with knowing a little HTML is it's usually not enough knowledge to undo what you done did. And if you only read this blog in Google reader, never mind. Carry on. This is boring. I've just bored myself.

correction: I can get a burrito and a TWELVE-pack of Icehouse. Do you say twelve-pack of beer or do you say case of beer? Either way, you can't reply because there are no comments.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

arbitrary rating: the Damen Ave bus

Grade: B-

The Damen Avenue bus is the bus that stops service 10 minutes before you need it. And it's snowing. It's only 10:15pm. How could a bus on a main street not be in service then, I mean, right? I'll wait. I can wait. The bus will come. See! -- there's the Southbound Damen bus. That means the north bound one must still be running, right? Wrong. That's the CTA tease: when one direction is cut a full hour before the other. Waiting for the Damen Ave bus is like being stuck and abandoned in an elevator for 41 hours. Give up and take a cab. So much for saving money.